A Mother’s Conversation In My Head

“Okay it’s fine, she’ll be 17 in a couple of months, and she’s with Tony. They’ve been together for years now. Just relax. Watch the stupid TV.

I did tell her to keep me updated right? To text me where they were going and if they went anywhere else?

What if she forgets and I have no idea where she even is?

Oh, look at that, I do want one of those new Dyson fans. I bet they’re great.

Why do I get so hungry at night?

Did I tell her to be home by a time or did I say to leave by that time.? Oh shit, we always argue over this. Remember now, which did I say?

Doctors keep telling you that if you eat a proper breakfast you won’t get hungry at night. Who are they kidding? Breakfast is long gone by now. I get hungry watching TV no matter what I’ve had all day.

OMG, I forgot to print out the Google map for them. What if they got lost?

Oh, stop it they would have texted you if they were lost.

Maybe they didn’t want to worry me.  Tony especially, I can just see him saying “oh it’s fine, let’s just go this way.”

Okay, stop, go and get a stupid snack.

Now, where are those Triscuits I bought, they sounded good. Don’t tell me someone ate them. I’d kill them if someone else ate all of my Triscuits.

Oh, thank goodness, here they are. Half empty, but that’s better than nothing.

It’s getting late. Why can’t I remember if I said to be home by 1 am or to leave by 1 am? Shit, my memory.

If they leave at 1 am I could be sitting here until at least 2 am waiting for them.

Oh, these are good Triscuits. I’ll have to get this flavour again.

What’s on next? I wish I could find a Criminal Minds or something.

AWWWW what was that!!!! Where the hell is my slipper!

OKAY, OKAY, CATS IT”S OKAY. OMG stupid outdoor cats coming to the windows at night time and all of my cats start freaking out. Hissing, growling and making a racket. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

What if Sarah and Tony forget how to retrace their steps to get home?

OMG, they could be lying in an alley somewhere mugged. Or worse.

I have to text them. No, stop it. You know the rule. No texting them. They will text you if they need to.

Now I’m thirsty.

Good, here’s a Criminal Minds. It’s a re-run, but that’s okay I like them all.

What if there are drugs at this thing? Not just pot but the hard stuff.

Maybe they’re passed out stoned on junk.

Oh for heaven’s sake will you stop it. Your mind is definitely your worst enemy.

I know, you’re right, I’m an idiot. I’m a Mother, we’re supposed to be idiots. Aren’t we?

Click, click. “Hi”

“Oh Hi,” I happily sing out. “You guys are home early, did you have fun?”

* Note: This is a very exaggerated humorous and fictionized account of what happens to my crazy mind when my teenage daughter is out late at night.