A Mother’s Conversation In My Head

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Mother cat and her kitten
  • Okay it’s fine, she’ll be 17 in a couple of months, and she’s with Tony. They’ve been together for years now. Just relax. Watch the stupid TV.
  • I did tell her to keep me updated right? To text me where they were going and if they went anywhere else?
  • What if she forgets and I have no idea where she even is?
  • Oh, look at that, I do want one of those new Dyson fans. I bet they’re great.
  • Why do I get so hungry at night?
  • Did I tell her to be home by a time or did I say to leave by that time.? Oh shit, we always argue over this. Remember now, which did I say?
  • Doctors keep telling you that if you eat a proper breakfast you won’t get hungry at night. Who are they kidding? Breakfast is long gone by now. I get hungry watching TV no matter what I’ve had all day.
  • OMG, I forgot to print out the Google map for them. What if they got lost?
  • Oh, stop it they would have texted you if they were lost.
  • Maybe they didn’t want to worry me.  Tony especially, I can just see him saying “oh it’s fine, let’s just go this way.”
  • Okay, stop, go and get a stupid snack.
  • Now, where are those Triscuits I bought, they sounded good. Don’t tell me someone ate them. I’d kill them if someone else ate all of my Triscuits.
  • Oh, thank goodness, here they are. Half empty, but that’s better than nothing.
  • It’s getting late. Why can’t I remember if I said to be home by 1 am or to leave by 1 am? Shit, my memory.
  • If they leave at 1 am I could be sitting here until at least 2 am waiting for them.
  • Oh, these are good Triscuits. I’ll have to get this flavour again.
  • What’s on next? I wish I could find a Criminal Minds or something.
  • AWWWW what was that!!!! Where the hell is my slipper!
  • OKAY, OKAY, CATS IT”S OKAY. OMG stupid outdoor cats coming to the windows at night time and all of my cats start freaking out. Hissing, growling and making a racket. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
  • What if Sarah and Tony forget how to retrace their steps to get home?
  • OMG, they could be lying in an alley somewhere mugged. Or worse.
  • I have to text them. No, stop it. You know the rule. No texting them. They will text you if they need to.
  • Now I’m thirsty.
  • Good, here’s a Criminal Minds. It’s a re-run, but that’s okay I like them all.
  • What if there are drugs at this thing? Not just pot but the hard stuff.
  • Maybe they’re passed out stoned on junk.
  • Oh for heaven’s sake will you stop it. Your mind is definitely your worst enemy.
  • I know, you’re right, I’m an idiot. I’m a Mother, we’re supposed to be idiots. Aren’t we?
  • Click, click. “Hi”
  • “Oh Hi,” I happily sing out. “You guys are home early, did you have fun?”

* Note: This is a very exaggerated humorous and fictionized account of what happens to my crazy mind when my teenage daughter is out late at night.